The social status of environmentalists can remind me of a
Far Side cartoon, one that shows several large dinosaurs pointing and laughing
at a tiny furry mammal as it scurries past their feet... while one of the
dinosaurs faces the other way, looking perplexed at the first few flakes of a
snowstorm.
The little mammal, it turned out, had the right stuff for
survival. But I want to be more than right; I want to be popular. I need the
conservation way of life to take over. Those dinosaurs were victims of a force
from outer space, a meteorite that drew a freezing cloak of dust and smoke
around the globe. But in today’s crazy cartoon world, the snowstorm is of our
own making-- the dinosaurs are creating the clouds of their own demise. To make
matters worse, they seem to be enjoying it!
If we’re going to reach the 22nd century, the
ecologically sustainable lifestyle needs a boost. It needs to become
permanently trendy. It needs…let me think… yes! It needs a reality TV show. Our
leaders, those big gray dinosaurs trampling across our biosphere… they need a
*makeover*. They need to appear on my new show, “Green Eye for the Gray Guy.”
Some background color commentary: the “gray” guy (not
necessarily a governor of California) is a man whose lifestyle, however
colorful, steadily converts biodiversity to biomonotony, turning the green
earth into gray wasteland. And green eye does not mean jealousy. We want
makeover the grays, not join them.
This episode of Green Eye for the Gray Guy is brought to you
by Redefining Progress (rprogress.org), whose Ecological Footprint principles
guide our green visionaries in their dispensing of ecological style wisdom.
Their motto: “It’s not ‘paper vs plastic’, but what you put in the bags, (and
how you get ‘em home.)”
Now let the makeover begin! Tonight, our elite team of
ecosexuals will help makeover our volunteer, Mr. Arnold, into a green
party-animal.
Ariana, our mobility mistress, starts off. “Ahnie, dahling,
drive that awful Hummer to the nearest community garden. Take off the tires,
they are good for growing potatoes in. Take out the seats and use them for
garden benches, and use the rest to store shovels and compost. Replace it with
a new hybrid… okay, a new hybrid SUV if you must. Now, when you drive to the
capitol, pick up your staff along the way. Next time you go to Washington, take
the train, make it a staff retreat. Lastly, you can buy a decent SUB – sport
utility bicycle – and some good all-weather gear for the cost of a set of SUV
tires. Now just do it!”
Next up is foodmeister Paul. “While you’re at the garden,
grow something and eat it. Talk with your neighbors while you’re there, too,
everyone really likes that. What you can’t grow, buy it from local organic
farms. Go light on food with fat and faces, and avoid any food that has
ingredients you can’t pronounce, or that has been indoors for more than a week.
Your body is too magnificent to go and junk it up with junk food.”
Barbara, what about housing? “McMansions… ouch! Who died and
made you governor? Seriously, here’s a strategy that’s getting popular with the
suburban green fringe: subdivide. They convert their vast dust-gathering
living-dining rooms into studio apartments, and they retreat into their cozy
kitchen-family room. The studio tenant pays a third of their mortgage, and they
can start working part-time, eating mostly out of their garden. How cool is
that? You could skip the mansion
altogether and rent an apartment near the garden and walk to the capitol, like
that Brown governor did. And energy? If your house is still running on dead
dinosaurs, get over it! Let the sun shine in.”
Ariana has the last word: “Ahnie, before you leave, I have a
two bumper stickers for your new hybrid SUV. This: “Live simply so others may
simply live.” And this: “It’s Time to Green Party!”